Looking For Footprints…
“Righteousness will go before Him, And shall make His footsteps our pathway.” (Psalm 85:13)
Lately I find myself looking for fresh footprints to follow. I am unsettled and dare I say angst-y, feeling like something is supposed to change or a corner is coming, or maybe I’m supposed to change directions. Or perhaps I just need a fresh nod from the Lord acknowledging where I am and that it is still “good” to be where I am, however good or bad it may feel to me. I have been seeking the Lord’s direction, the Lord’s words, the Lord’s correction, the Lord’s anything! And though I don’t feel “blank” about the Lord or the Bible, I just feel… without. I feel the lack-of-answer. I feel the hunger and the thirst, but no fresh water, no daily bread for this day.
I guess it’s more than that. In some ways, I feel “far away” from so much of what I have lived in the Lord. Apart, as it were, from the daily rhythms of the fullness of life with the Lord. Not that I don’t have it with me all the time, just feels like I’m looking for it even though I know it’s right here. I feel lost in a way, because I don’t know what the Lord is saying or doing in me (or with me, frankly) today.
Sometimes we end up in a lost place because the enemy of our souls is relentlessly after us. Especially if we’re going for it in the Lord, whether letting Him grow us personally or whether we’re pouring into others helping THEM grow, the enemy does NOT like that whole kingdom-advancing thing. He does NOT like when we press further and further into the kingdom. And he especially does not like when we link arms with others and help them press in deeper.
Elijah had just such an experience. In 1 Kings 19, we see what happens to Elijah IMMEDIATELY after this series of amazing miracles where he was completely in tune with the Lord–he’d helped the widow not starve, revived her son who died, had a major showdown with the prophets of Baal, killed said prophets, opened the eyes of the children of Israel so they could see God instead of the other things they feared… Not a bad day’s work, right? If anyone told me to raise someone’s son from the dead, I’d be like can we just confirm that 3 or 400 times. But this guy. This guy SERIOUSLY knows how to hear God’s voice–it’s his whole life. It is his entire job. But after this amazing series of events, look at what happens to him.
1 Kings 19:
And Ahab told Jezebel all that Elijah had done, also how he had executed all the prophets with the sword.
Then Jezebel sent a messenger to Elijah, saying, “So let the gods do to me, and more also, if I do not make your life as the life of one of them by tomorrow about this time.”
And when he saw that, he arose and ran for his life, and went to Beersheba, which belongs to Judah, and left his servant there.
But he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness, and came and sat down under a broom tree. And he prayed that he might die, and said, “It is enough! Now, Lord, take my life, for I am no better than my fathers!”
OK, so again, Elijah has just single-handedly taken on however-many-hundreds of prophets of Baal all at once. He’s called down fire from heaven, even felt confident enough to make fun of the prophets and Baal. Fear is not really his thing.
But as soon as he does these things, an enemy, Jezebel in this case, rises against him and says, you dare to challenge my authority here? You dare to show others the goodness of God! You dare to go against what I say? Now I will come after YOU!
I don’t know if you know this, but we have an enemy who says the same to our hearts. You dare challenge my authority in your life? You dare refuse the fear that has controlled you? You dare repent of the worry that plagues you? You dare to show others how to walk away from the blinding influence of depression or anger or fear of man or… Now I will come after YOU, and we will see who is left standing.
For Elijah, this is more than just doing-the-best-you-can-when-you-don’t-hear-much-from-the-Lord. And it’s more than the “cares of this life” getting him off the beaten path. It takes Elijah’s breath away. It takes his feet out from under him. It takes him to the point of doubting everything he has ever believed and known, wanting to get away from it all, even to the point of death.
So he arose, and ate and drank; and he went in the strength of that food forty days and forty nights as far as Horeb, the mountain of God.
I am so struck by this tiny detail: the detail that Elijah went to Mt. Horeb. Mt. Horeb is also known as the “mountain of God,” otherwise known as Mt. Sinai. It’s the place where God spoke to Moses from the burning bush. It’s the place where God told Moses to strike the rock to water for the whiny children of Israel. AND it’s the place where the Lord gave Moses the 10 commandments. Twice.
The mountain of God, it’s called. It’s where Elijah struggles walking for 40 days and nights to get to. To the mountain of God. To the place where God has been before. The place where maybe he can find God again… I can’t find or hear You where I am, God, but maybe there, because I know You’ve been there before.
And there he went into a cave, and spent the night in that place; and behold, the word of the Lord came to him, and He said to him, “What are you doing here, Elijah?”
So he said, “I have been very zealous for the Lord God of hosts; for the children of Israel have forsaken Your covenant, torn down Your altars, and killed Your prophets with the sword. I alone am left, and they seek to take my life.”
Then He said, “Go out, and stand on the mountain before the Lord.” And behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind tore into the mountains and broke the rocks in pieces before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind; and after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake;
And after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire; and after the fire a still small voice.
It’s so interesting that Elijah almost doesn’t even recognize God’s voice, even though hearing from God has been his whole life! Somehow, in the midst of being chased away by the enemy and his own fears, he lost his footing. He lost his way. He couldn’t hear the One He knew so well.
He has to be reminded what the Lord’s voice sounds like, almost like someone who’s never heard. OK, Elijah, let’s go over this slowly. The Lord’s voice. It’s not scary, it’s not fire, it’s not an earthquake, it’s not wind–though the Lord can do all those things. The voice of the Lord to you, Elijah, is still and small and in your heart. Remember, Elijah.
So it was, when Elijah heard it, that he wrapped his face in his mantle and went out and stood in the entrance of the cave. Suddenly a voice came to him, and said, “What are you doing here, Elijah?”
And he said, “I have been very zealous for the Lord God of hosts; because the children of Israel have forsaken Your covenant, torn down Your altars, and killed Your prophets with the sword. I alone am left; and they seek to take my life.”
He wrapped his face in his mantle. A mantle was a symbol of the prophetic authority the Lord had given him. And now he wraps his face in his mantle and just holds it there. It’s as though he just wants to… remember… and to just stay here, Lord, where You are. Where I can hear You. I just want to hear You…
Then the Lord said to him: “Go, return on your way to the Wilderness of Damascus…”
And the Lord answers him there. Go back, Elijah. Remember who you are. Go back to what you were doing before, what I led you to do before.
The simple instruction I hear in all of this, is when you can’t hear the Lord, go back to where you know the Lord is. Go back to what He said to you last. Go back and stay there. Continue as you were. Remember who you are–a child of God, one who hears His voice and lives with understanding…
Other times, we can end up in a lost place when everything that we have known is swallowed up and just gone. Or maybe the very fabric of who we are has been dismantled or unraveled to the point that we fear there is nothing left of ourselves. We can be disoriented, because our former landmarks are gone, the previous solid-as-a-rock guideposts are dug out, even the very ground beneath us seems to have fallen through. When everything I knew and lived and believed and breathed and thought is suddenly far away or even gone completely. When there is a great nothingness, a void.
The disciples certainly experienced this after Jesus died. They literally lost EVERYTHING of what they had believed and lived for, of who they were, of what they thought was true… One minute people are waving palm branches and laying down their cloaks for Jesus’ donkey to march (and poop) on. The next, He’s arrested and crucified and just… gone. And they sat in a room with the doors locked, with real legitimate fear that they would also be dragged away to the same fate. Afraid, lost, confused, angry, betrayed–who knows what all they felt. I just know how I’ve felt when my whole everything has been destroyed.
And then miraculously, Jesus appears INSIDE the locked room! He who was dead breathes on them and says “Receive the Holy Spirit.” And “as the Father has sent Me, I also send you.” This is some serious power and authority He is doling out! But somehow, they don’t march off with the faith and conviction they will have in Acts.
The last time Jesus sent them with His authority, they came back all pumped and excited and secret handshakes and things because even the demons listen to them! They are tearing it up! Jesus has to tell them to take it down a notch about the demons, and be more excited that their names are written in the book of life. But if it was me, when Jesus is not looking, I’m totally doing air-fives and fist bumps under the table. Because awesome!!!
But this time, they don’t march right out. Even after Jesus came back a second time to make sure Thomas the Twin, who wasn’t there the first time, would get to see and touch and know that He is God, that He has risen, that this is the real deal.
But the thing is, He’s not there the way He used to be. They can’t reach out and touch Him all the time. It’s different. It’s all different. He’s not… there.
We find them in John 21.
John 21
After these things Jesus showed Himself again to the disciples at the Sea of Tiberias, and in this way He showed Himself:
Simon Peter, Thomas called the Twin, Nathanael of Cana in Galilee, the sons of Zebedee, and two others of His disciples were together.
Simon Peter said to them, “I am going fishing.” They said to him.”We are going with you also.” They went out and immediately got into the boat, and that night they caught nothing.
So Peter says, I’m going fishing, and the others (Thomas the Twin included!) go with him. You could make the argument that they went back to where Jesus had called them the first time. But you could also argue that though they went back, it was not to the last thing Jesus told them. Not to what they had been doing last. They went back to what they had been doing BEFORE they met Jesus in the first place. Before He said I will make you fishers of MEN. Before life with Jesus at all.
But when the morning had now come, Jesus stood on the shore; yet the disciples did not know that it was Jesus.
They couldn’t see Him. They didn’t know He was right there. They didn’t know they were about to talk to Him. They just knew they didn’t have Him where they used to, where they were, where they felt like they needed Him. They legitimately thought they would never talk to Him again.
Sometimes we start living life as though He’d never been there–not necessarily bad evil things, but just living naturally as though He’s never said anything and may never say anything again. And though He IS right there and about to talk to us and is busy working on our behalf, because we can’t see Him we live as though He may never speak to us again.
Then Jesus said to them, “Children, have you any food?” They answered Him, “No.”
And He said to them, “Cast the net on the right side of the boat, and you will find some.” So they cast, and now they were not able to draw it in because of the multitude of fish.
Therefore that disciple whom Jesus loved said to Peter, “It is the Lord!” Now when Simon Peter heard that it was the Lord, he put on his outer garment (for he had removed it), and plunged into the sea.
He spoke. They knew.
Isn’t it so encouraging that the very ones who’d walked face to face with Jesus Himself for three years didn’t recognize Him when He was right before them? But that when He did speak, they knew it was Him. Maybe Jesus is right in front of me. Maybe He’s even talking to me and I don’t recognize it. Not to worry, we are His sheep. And no matter how long it’s been, no matter how far we’ve wandered, no matter how rusty we feel, no matter how far away He seems, we know His voice. And when He speaks, we will know.
But the other disciples came in the little boat (for they were not far from land, but about two hundred cubits), dragging the net with fish.
Then, as soon as they had come to land, they saw a fire of coals there, and fish laid on it, and bread.
Jesus said to them, “Bring some of the fish which you have just caught.”
Simon Peter went up and dragged the net to land, full of large fish, one hundred and fifty-three; and although there were so many, the net was not broken.
Jesus said to them, “Come and eat breakfast.” Yet none of the disciples dared ask Him, “Who are You?”–knowing that it was the Lord.
I find it furthermore comforting that the disciples were secretly thinking “Is that really You, God?” I mean, in my epic amounts of faith, I also find myself thinking “Where have You been??? What have You been doing while I’ve been…” I wonder where in the world He is, wonder if what I’m feeling and thinking is Him or just yesterday’s lunch catching up with me. But I take encouragement that I will know, like really know, when He speaks. I take confidence that He is right here, even if I can’t seem to find Him or any of His footprints.
It’s good, He says to them, the fish that you catch. But it’s not who you are. He goes on to tell Peter to feed His sheep. That is who you are, Peter, the one on whom I will build my church. These fish, they are good, but they are not the people waiting for you to tell them about Me. Go back and do what I gave you to do. Remember who you are, Peter…
I find myself in a time where I just want to wrap my mantle around my head and sit on the “mountain of God” and just wait for His words. I want Him to call to me from my little everyday-normal-life boat and throw all my daily fish at His feet. I just want to know where He is and what He’s saying. Footprints, whispers, fish–anything. But I still feel the void. The “nothing”-ness.
I guess I’m OK with the nothing–for now. I have heard that the Spirit of God hovers over the void (Genesis 1:2); which means He hovers over MY void. I remember that it’s OK to be hungry and thirsty, because that means He really does have fresh water for me.
For now, I’m going back to the last thing He said to me WHILE I seek His Word daily for fresh bread. When He fills the void with His words or His peace or His whispers, I’ll know. I don’t enjoy the thirst, but I will wait for those waters to burst forth in my desert.
Maybe you also feel a “void” in your life.
Maybe your whole existence in the Lord vanished before your eyes.
Maybe the enemy scared you and caused you to run away in your heart.
Maybe the Lord’s work in your life feels so far away, almost as though it never was.
Maybe you’ve gone back to life-before-the-Lord-did-so-much.
Maybe you’re sitting in a room not sure what to do.
Maybe you feel like you’ve lost who you are or used to come so “naturally” in the Lord.
Maybe life’s cares have chased you to a natural existence.
It’s OK. Just… go back. Go back to the last thing He said–write it down! Go back to what you were doing with Him before you couldn’t find Him. And wait for Him there. Pitch a tent and WAIT for Him. He will speak, and you will know it. And then feed His sheep with the very words that He speaks to you.
Psalm 130:6: My soul waits for the Lord More than those who watch for the morning–Yes, more than those who watch for the morning.
