A Fighting Mind

“But so that it spreads no further among the people, let us severely threaten them, that from now on they speak to no man in this name.”  So they called them and commanded them not to speak at all nor teach in the name of Jesus. (Acts 4:17-18)

I have found that the hardest part of making a decision is that final moment--like Indiana Jones deciding whether or not to step out into the abyss-that-looks-like-a-death-fall.  Especially spiritual decisions where you’re really trying to go where the Lord wants you to go.  Sometimes we see His footprints, sometimes we see an abyss-that-looks-like-a-death-fall, sometimes we see multiple wonderful paths.  Sometimes we hear His voice behind us saying this is the way, sometimes we feel peace, sometimes we got nothin’.  Much of the time, the enemy of our souls is fighting to derail and distract us.  But we also have to deal with our own mind.  Our own flesh.  Cuz it’s not like natural worry and fear and wondering need much boosting from the enemy--we’ve got enough on our own in our own little minds!  Oh the humanity.

I was reading after the apostles had been filled with the Holy Spirit and preaching up an international storm in Acts 1 and 2.  Interesting how the religious leaders kept putting them in prison and telling them not to talk like that anymore, because they were going to convince the people of things they “shouldn’t” be convinced of!  They even went so far as to tell them not to speak Jesus’ name anymore.  They tried all kinds of things to get the apostles to simmer down--put them in prison, gave them “stern warnings” (pretty funny that they thought their “angry eyes” would take the miracle-witnessing faith-pumped Spirit-filled apostles down a notch), put them in prison again, super badly so badly please let me Mother may I stone them…

And it’s all because the religious leaders--who were supposed to be the RELIGIOUS LEADERS, as in LEADING the people TOWARD God, not away from Him--they couldn’t “see” Jesus for who He is.  They couldn’t “hear” His voice as His sheep.  It’s not that they physically couldn’t--as evidenced by Nicodemus understanding and seeing.  And indeed in those beginning chapters of Acts it says many priests “were obedient to the faith” (Acts 6:7).  So it was POSSIBLE for the religious to see and hear Jesus, but for many of them in this time, they just… couldn’t.  They couldn’t see or hear the voice of the kind Shepherd calling their name.  So they tried to shut it down, because it messed with what they already knew of God, forgetting that though He is the same yesterday today and tomorrow, He is also the God who does a new thing, who hears the cry of His people and answers them.  Though He is the great I Am, He is also present and with-us and so very near when we are hurting.  Though we could not possibly look upon Him without perishing, He remembers the days when we could walk with Him in the garden.

I was struck by how much this reminds me of my mind and my flesh.  Especially when I’m looking for the Lord’s fresh words, fresh direction.  When I’m making a decision to go this way or that way, wanting to go wherever it is that the Lord is leading me.  If it doesn’t make sense to my mind, if it’s not a decision or a way of thinking that the Lord has already taught me, then my mind can try to shut it down.  But come on now, let’s be honest, how many times will God’s ways make sense to my mind?  His ways are NOT my ways, His thoughts are NOT my thoughts, so what makes my mind think it could grasp the entirety of His plans for me?  Spiritual eye-roll.

Even with that knowledge, my mind is like those religious leaders, grabbing my faith-pumped Spirit-filled miracle-remembering spirit and being like what the heck are you doing?  Stop this nonsense and spiritual tomfoolery!  Can’t you see we can’t see what’s ahead? Don’t you understand this is wrong?  It has to be wrong if I can’t understand it.  It has to be wrong if I can’t see it.  Nobody explained the big picture to ME, so obvies this whole line of thinking is suspicious.  And dangerous. And something to be feared.

My mind will fight me with worry and fear and wondering--and not even just negative stuff.  Sometimes my mind uses positive things to try to keep me where I am already, in the land the Lord has already given me.  Look at how great this is, we don’t want to leave THAT, do we?  I mean, it was just getting so good--remember the good ol’ days and try to stick with the reruns.  I like the reruns.  I already know what happens.

It’s not that surprising.  Remember the Israelites in the wilderness after being rescued from Egypt?  After years and years and years of crying out to the Lord, of the worst misery of their lives, of their babies being SLAUGHTERED by Pharoah, after the Egyptians making it worse and worse and worse and worse, after the Lord demonstrating His power and His might and His authority and delivering them and parting the Red Sea and making water come out of rocks and food fall from the sky and…  After all that, the Israelites still complain and say it was “better” when we were in Egypt, cuz at least we had food and blah blah blah…

SERIOUSLY?  It was “better” in Egypt?  No, it was just the misery you already knew.  A familiar misery.  A frenemy, if you will.

Our silly little minds.  Always getting a little uppity and uncomfortable when it comes to the Lord’s fresh words, fresh directions, fresh leadings.  Most especially when they don’t yet make sense.  Our minds really love what the Lord has already done--never mind they fought that when it first came up, too.  And truth be told, our minds will really love what the Lord is going to do.  They just don’t know it yet.  

It’s a swirling battle up there, in that fighting mind of mine.  Sometimes I just have to say to my mind, as for me and my house (including you, little mind of mine) we will serve the Lord.  Here am I, Lord, send me.  Where You go, I will go, where You stay, I will stay.  I don’t “already know” the whole picture.  I see dimly myself and the path ahead of me.  But I see clearly the God of Heaven who is present and very near and so very very close to me.  I hear His voice calling me, and I must go.  Because where else would I go?  Only He has the words of life.

That’s all nice and good, but HOW do I get my mind on board?  HOW do I get myself to take that final step of faith, that first step of obedience?

I remember a time when Todd and I had been praying and asking the Lord what to do, where to go.  Looking, praying, seeking, searching, reaching, praying some more.  For a while, just crickets.  Well, crickets and the feeling that an answer WOULD come, but it hadn’t come yet.  Staring at that pillar of cloud wondering if it had moved a little, or if my eyes were just playing tricks on me.  Then praise the Lord, it seemed like He confirmed a particular direction!  So off we went, all systems go.

And then suddenly, it seemed like the Lord very clearly (and yet not so clear--you know what I’m talking about if you’ve lived life with the Lord for more than five minutes) prompted us in a completely new direction.  And while it felt full of hope and excitement and peace, it also meant so much letting go of the other excitements and directions and wonderful things that we had already come to know.  So how do we know which direction to go?  

Well, worry and fear were more than happy to be my trail guides right back to where I had started.  All the wonderful things that had already been going on, all the places we had been blessed, all the unknowns of the path ahead of us, all the effects it would have on us and our kids and…  Suddenly what was so clear was hazy and clear-but-not-clear.  Is this really You, Lord?  How do I find You in the midst of my swirling?

For me, the fact that in addition to the fear and the worry and the wondering I also had a great peace was my first handhold.  And then Scripture that seemed to match the direction the Lord was indicating came through.  AND the fact that my husband felt so clearly from the Lord.  THAT was a big deal.

It can be so easy for me to “trust” the voice of fear and worry in my life more than the people I know and trust, more than the Lord speaking in and to (and through) them.  I have to consciously set aside the “familiar” (not to mention false and bad) counselor of “logic” (aka fear).  I have to consciously force my mind to keep my eyes on the Lord and trust that HE KNOWS HOW TO TALK TO ME.

I did not completely resolve the fear or the worry.  In fact, MORE things to worry and wonder about came up!  But the peace never faltered.  The worry and fear could get louder or quieter, but the peace remained.  So, I took that final step of faith and that first step of obedience believing, knowing, trusting, hoping the Lord would redirect or catch or carry me if I stepped awry or fell or faltered.  

And the journey continues.  I wish I could say once I take that first step, that everything feels great.  Sometimes it does.  Sometimes the doubts continue to fly in my face, like gnats that never leave, so much whiny buzzing while I’m just trying to walk like a normal person.  Buzzing around my heart yelling “turn back!  Save yourself!”  The good news is that in my experience, the wind and the waves do eventually recede.  The doubts and worries that seem so legitimate and so real and so loud do eventually fade.  If I keep my eyes on the Lord and listen for what HE says, I can find the way.

So the only way forward is:  Eyes. On. Him.  And Him only.  

Maybe it’s peace that goes beyond what we already know,

Maybe it’s Scripture that matches what you’re asking.

Maybe it’s the Lord speaking through people you know and trust.

Whatever you need to take that final/first step (or any step, really), He will give you.  He knows how He made you, He knows how to talk to you, He knows how to get through to you, and you know His voice.  Eyes on Him.  

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”  (Philippians 4:6-7)